#5 Creature Thing

Behold! The Leviathan! This creature is the antiquity of a old, wicked world. The Old Gods created it to keep Earth separated from the spirits of the ethereal. Oden inscribed "Nos constructutum is adveho nex." Translated to "we built this come death." It feeds upon lost souls and all who enter the Great Sea. They say if one can kill the beast, the slayer becomes divine. Of course, you'd have to kill it. That's damn near impossible. It shimmers in the color of the black abyss: the hue defaces light. The skin is scarred after an eternity of being scratched by the death grip of the departed. There's only one of these Leviathans. The beast has no master as no force can control it, nor compel it. Rather, it subsides on a holy charge. Don't get the wrong impression. It's very docile and friendly. It's docile unless you enter the Great Sea. And it's friendly insofar you befriend creatures that shouldn't be of this world. 

#4 Underground Orphan Fighting League

New to Minneapolis, orphan fighting. Come down to the Xcel Energy Center this Saturday and Sunday and witness -- for the first time ever in Minnesota -- orphan fighting! You've smoked cigarettes. You've seen CSI. You've spent money to feed malnourished children. Now you can do almost all of the aforementioned at once. The murder â La CSI. The winning orphan gets to eat! The losing orphan, if they're still alive, gets burnt by a lit cigarette. 

They have no rights. They're not even people. Don't you want to watch the not-people fight to the death for your amusement and their own sustenance? 

If you don't, you're unAmerican. 

So, remember, bring the family down to the Xcel Energy Center this Saturday and Sunday!

Kids' seats are still just five bucks!

Warning: The American Association of Orphan fighters reserves the right to impress all children in the venue who are under the age of seven.