#3

It's the sort of tragedy that's reserved for sources of news. It's a problem which festers like herpes after a rave. I speak, of course, about elderly heroine addicts. Call it the anti-christ? You'd agree with the public's opinion. In a fashion befitting our journalistic integrity here at STDKP, we interviewed an old people.

The interview was the rambeling of race views older than the notion of justice, a battle with dementia, and a "happy birthday wish" orgy. 

We've summarized the interview:

I get up at 5 a.m to meet my dealer. They sell the nectar of gods: heroine. Sometimes, I heat it up before I shoot up, just to feel the consecrated magma corce through my arms. You know, it's the only thing I ever feel anymore: high as a muthatrucka'. 

We couldn't ask more questions. Her skins was a sort of hardened leather; not unlike her soul, we suspected. As tough as nails, that's what she is. Hell, she practically injects herself with nails. Just hypodermic nails. Filled the brim with illicit opiate. Oh! Addicts pray that your needles be clean and your stuff strong like a bull. 

How strong should one hope for? Note the opiate warped face of the subject. Stare in to the eyes, dimmed by over dose. Note the teeth - not even microbes can survive the chemistry lab her body has become. Upon knowing -- with clairvoyance -- what that old person feels, you will becomed introduced to the heroine of quality befitting the Kingpin's personal stash. 

The most dangerous fish in the sea

"Watch out for harpoons"

Fans,

A lot of you seem concerned with my treatment in captivity. I can assure you, I'm a dumb animal. It's okay to put me in hazardous conditions, I'm big and dumb. I hope I get harpooned by some eskimos. They know what's up. If I had opposable thumbs and had a reverse-ship, I'd hunt humans. That's how nature is, "because I can." And you'd say dumb things like, "Don't kill me, I can feel pain!" And I'd laugh. I'd laugh and I'd use my human-harpoon to get you.  So, get me and my whale friends before we start terrorizing you and your friends. 

I am an orca. My days are boring. I swim almost all the time. One time I tired to eat a rock. I ate the rock accidentally. I sure am dumb. I wish somebody would fill their lungs with blood and thunder then harpoon me. That'd make me happy. 

Climate change makes me happy. As a whale, I know a thing or two about climates. I live in one, you know. In my opinion as a professional whale, climate change is caused by two things:

1) Lack of pirates

2) Hippies

Piracy is kick ass. End of discussion. 

Hippies cause climate change. Climate change is a good thing. Therefore, I must -- begrudgingly -- admit that I think hippies are just barely adequate. Just barely.  If I were fortunate enough to be a human, I'd drive a car only after ripping out all the emission regulations. You see, I subscribe to the logic: Mother nature started this race for survival and now that she's losing, she wants to give up?

I say, "tart, please," to that. 

So, fans, remember: eat animals. Animals are dumb and want to be eaten. 

#1 Early the Danger Squid

To kindergartners,

Children! Against better judgement, I'm showing this squidbilly to you. His name is Early, he's a squidbilly. A long time ago, most of the Earth was an ocean. Then the ocean dried up, some animals stayed in the ocean; however, this squid didn't. When the ocean got smaller, this squid got stuck in North Georgia's Appalachian mountains. Eventually, the squid started to do bad things, like make pine cones into adult beverages. By the way, children, his hat, 'booty hunter' is about pirates, so don't pay any attention to it. This squid enjoys NASCAR, Muddin', and hunting. If you met Early, what would you ask him?

To Grandpa and Grandma

Hey, Grandparents, how about bumping up the birthday $5 to a birthday $50? Let's get with the times here. You're old, the government gives you money and you blow it on dumb things like talking fish ornaments. How about hookin' me up? All animosity aside, I think I should introduce this squid, Early. 

Early is NOT a communist. I just have to get that out of the way. Early is an upstanding citizen who enjoys fishing, hunting, the American flag, NASCAR, paying his taxes, and 'muddin' in his truck. I know you'll enjoy the harmony of the themes between both of yours' personal America.  Now, you can stop judging me, and gimme moar holiday cash and stop inviting me up to your cabin. It's gross and smells like old people -- ewww -- maybe if you cleaned your persons and your house more than "enough" (it isn't) but I digress. Still, this is a squidbilly, he has a hat. I'm you grandchild and in need of   

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